hanya pada Allah tempat berserah....

Usahamu DIA lihat. Hatimu DIA tahu. Do'amu DIA dengar.
Maka nikmat mana lagi yg kau dustakan?

miscarriage at 7 weeks.

The pain of miscarriage contraction will never beat the painful feeling seeing the baby's sac is out before it supposed to.

This shall not past.

bed resting for threatened abortion.

Today i went to clinic again.
Asyik pegi clinic je minggu ni. Dah jena buat buku pink baby. Agaknya saya adalah antara orang terawal kot buat buku pink tu., ye la baru 6 minggu.
Perjara yg saya tak suka di klinik kesihatan ni adalah sebab lama benar proses menunggu nye..
Yela,, perubatan percuma kan..
Sebab tu kalau sakit saya lebih suka ke private clinic, tapi government servant ada limit 15hari setahun je untuk MC swasta. Jadinya menunggu la kami di KK tadi..
Alkisahnya masa buat upt di klinik tu dalam seminit aje lab technician dah cop bamm negative! Panas sekejap muka den ni,, ya Allah spotting sikit2 je takkan miscariage??
Yg technician macam ragu2 sama ada saya betul2 mengandung. Saya cakap yang saya dah buat beta hcg blood test. Encik tu pun cakap, 'ini pun hcg test!' Haih agak geram juga. Urine test will never be the same compared to blood test which is far more accurate.
Then technician lg sorang cakap, ni nampak line tapi very faint.

Dalam hati nak saja cakap, encik,,saya ni buat iui procedure, i've studied about hcg more than ever, to know that i am confirm pregnant.!
Tapi DH cakap tak payah mention pasal iui so saya diamkan.
Yg paling penting, masa scan tadi doc dapat tengok the baby' sac..
Baby please be well... be strong....

Surviving The Two Week Wait

Surviving The Two Week Wait

Oh I must survive the 'Two Week Wait',
To see what will be, what is our fate.
It should not be bad, I'll keep busy with lots,
At least it's better than all those darn shots!


Day 1 I'll go for a nice calming walk,
And with my DH try not to talk
About kids and plans and names and such,
And try not to get our hopes up too too too much.


Day 2 Ahh, for today, I'll do some nice light cleaning,
And try not to think and keep myself from seeing,
Everyone around me with their cute babies,
And try to stop the incessant 'maybes'.


Day 3 with the In-Laws we'll dine,
Who don't know what's up, think everything is fine.
"No, thank you, I'll pass, I won't have the wine."
Stop looking at me, Mother-in-Law! No, it's not a sign!


Day 4 I'll look at my closet again,
Maybe a quick clean, then onto the den,
You know a crib would look great right over there,
Wait! Stop thinking about that, it just isn't fair!


Day 5, good grief! Will this day never end?
Where is my phone, can I call a friend?
And was that a twinge, or just anticipation?
Or am I one of those women who can actually feel implantation?


Day 6 I'm fine, I'm not going mad
But I keep looking at my dear husband, trying to see a Dad.
I have to keep busy, keep my mind occupied,
On trivial things, not what maybe happening inside!


Day 7, oh JOY, oh bliss, we are half way there!
No, I'm not obsessing, I haven't a care,
The first week flew by, I could hardly even tell,
And if you believe that I have a Bridge I can sell...


Day 8, Wait, are my breasts sore tonight?
Or, did I just wear my new bra too tight?
Am I feeling sick, nausea in the morning?
Or was that old expiration date actually a good warning?


Day 9, day 9, everything is fine!
Its not that I'm edgy, I SAID I WAS FINE!
Sorry, I did not mean to snap, but my temper is quick,
Is tomorrow too early to pee on a stick?


Day 10, For one day I'd just like to forget,
Not go crazy with days, my mind to reset.
A good friend she told me, "Remember, try not to dwell!"
Oh give me a break, this two weeks... umm, *Aint swell*!


Day 11, Well what to do, maybe I'll clean again?
Oops, my closet is empty and I blew up the den.
OK, I'll watch some TV to take my mind off the maybes
WHY DOES EVERY STATION ONLY PLAY "SHE'S HAVING A BABY?"


Day 12, good grief, I don't know how I will cope,
I want to be optimistic, to have some hope,
But I am afraid of disappointment, of again this not being the time,
If someone could make days fly, I'll give my last dime!


Day 13 is supposed to be Lucky, they say
Personally I wish it would just go away,
I am done with watching the days crawl by,
I hate all this waiting, too long have we tried.


Day 14, Wait, what? It's finally here?
Today we find out if a baby is near?
Umm, wait, now I don't know if I really want the real truth
I kind-of liked day-dreaming, but betas the proof!


So now it's off to the bathroom I go,
So far so good, I don't see Aunt Flow.
I open the package, pee and it will tell our fate,
Oh dear, now how do I survive this TWO MINUTE WAIT???


S. Hamilton
October 2, 2010

(Source: BabyandBump)

threaten abortion!

Last weekend we travelled on the air plane, despite of the worry of travelling on early pregnancy.. we just went ahead since we already made known that we were going back.
During the travel time, i didnt feel good around my uterus and during touchdown back in LCCT, we had a terrible touchdown and instantly i felt cramping.
Yesterday i went for usg in a clinic and the doc said she cant detect the sac. Ok i was freaking worry.
And in today's meeting at the workplace, i feel some slight different in my CM, i went for check and realized that i had some spotting. God knows how worry i was, and in hurry went to my clinic and asked for another scan from the doc. *2nd doc incharge*
This time we saw the sac but we cant do transvaginal usg since the doc was not a gynae.
I was prescribe with double dose of duphaston, and 3 days mc.

God.... i pray that my lil precious is going to be fine....,

1st ultrasound scan.

Status: 4 weeks (2weeks conception)


We were still pretty much unsure about the pregnancy, and we went to see the RE.
I already had the appointment be made on 17nov since the iui.
The doc scanned and saw the tiny tiny sac, that later will develop to be a full grown baby, insyaAllah...
The feeling is indescribable, though we know its still a fragile stage, we cant help but telling family and close friends.

And DH current addiction is seeing the double line! For these few days he makesure i poas everyday so that he can see the line on the stick.
I guess he is really happy to know the line is the sign that the baby is there. ♡

16dpiui and bfp. big fat positive!!

Speechles!!!
Alhamdulillah.... thank you Allah!!!

Cant wait for tomorrow's appointment with RE....

trying to conceive : menahan hinaan,

Bukan mudah bila hidup dalam dunia yang sudah terbiasa dengan norma, "kahwin, next dapat anak."

Bila dengar cerita orang yang baru je kahwin sebulan dah war-war pregnant, rasa macam ini sangat tidak adil!
Bila dengar orang kata "akak dah tak nak beranak,,tapi ter lekat/mengandung "... rasa macam nak robek2 je mulut.!

Tapi tetap tak boleh menandingi ayat:

 "hai tak lekat lagi ke? Org lain duduk asing-asing pun boleh jugak haih". 
"Kau tak pregnant sebab kau asyik sakit je." Bila sakit yang aku alami masa tu hanyalah sakit tekak dan nak demam.

Kalau ikutkan hati ni, nak aje jerit cakap kami tengah usaha, spent diit beribu untuk dapatkan anak, doktor cakap ok tak dah tuham belum beri rezeki.. kenapa nak question?

Memang tawar hati dengan org sekeliling.

14dpiui : very faint bfp, with AF spotting at the same time

Today is 14dpiui. This morning I wokeup feeling not good, and realize there was some changes in my CM. It became a slight reddish. :(
Feeling miserable while i was away and couldnt consult my RE, i went for bath and tested another hpt. The clearblue, that show "+" for bfp, and "-" for bfn.
It gave me a very faint line for the "+" sign, I cant believe i saw it. (but its not so clear in the photo as i snapped it.)
It was a very light line, that appear within one minutes after i poas.
Is it a chemical pregnancy..? Or else why i suddenly get blur lines after all the bfn before this, but im spotting for the bloody AF.?

This is so tense-up, as i see line n having sign for my AF at the same time. I dont know how to predict it.

11dpiui and BFN

this morning i tested again. big fat NO.
its killing me, with all these symptoms.. how could it be wrong??
DH was frustrated too but he handled it better than me.
i tested with predictor hpt and clear blue hpt. both BFN.
i was so devastated, cried myself out loud while driving.
i found driving as one of the way to soothe myself whenever i was under stress or upset.

however i did took a look at clear blue after few hours and i can see a faint line, while the result was still the same with predictor's hpt.
so?
could it be the chemical reaction??
i still want to hope, and wish, and pray... for the line.

10dpiui : hope is wearing-off.

i woke up today with the feeling of getting my AF. I hope it's not happening. DH is more upset than me... I know how much we want this pregnancy to happen.

he messaged me last night at 3a.m. saying that we'll never give up, no matter how long it'll take us.
he asked this morning, whether i had took the hpt test again. i said 'no'.
i'm ready for tomorrow.
even though last month my cycle was 30days, but we did IUI so i knew precisely when i ovulated. (supposed to be 30th oct at 9pm, 36hours after the trigger injection).
so im expecting for the 2-week-wait. the due is 13nov, instead of 17nov (with natural ttc).

i hope the darn AF will not show her face. i pray that the 3 matured follicles that we have, are survived. even one. even just one.

tomorrow i'll do hpt again using Predictor pregnancy test, with sensitivity of hcg as low as 12ui.

praying hard for the double line..

how to survive the 2 week wait?

anyway i've read this from one blog, but i forgot to copy the link.

this 2 week wait is really killing me!

Please note that this is a humourous article and is not intended as advice.

As any woman who is trying to get pregnant can tell you, the two weeks from ovulation to the due date for your next period are pure torture. You promise yourself you’ll just wait it out, distract yourself with other activities and you won’t even THINK about taking a pregnancy test until you’re at least a day overdue. Then something happens – your breasts start hurting in a slightly different way than they did before, you get slightly nauseous, you have some spotting, or nothing happens, but you find yourself waking up wishing you could go to sleep again so that it would be another day closer to knowing. You can’t think, you can’t sleep, you can’t work, and you start taking HPT’s days before they are even possibly meaningful. You are deep in the abyss of THE TWO-WEEK-WAIT!

In my opinion, it’s no use advising women to stop obsessing, it’s impossible. Instead, I give you a list of more productive ways to obsess. Please note, however, that there is a limit that each woman must define for herself, between indulging in some baby daydreaming and going overboard. I’ve included some examples below:

1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice pavements and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.

2. Clean out your wardrobe to make room for the maternity stuff you’ll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven’t worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.

3. Start a journal. Write down everything you’re feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child’s baby book. If you can’t put your feelings into words, draw something; try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you’re feeling. Don’t get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.

4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.

5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child’s graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.

6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone – they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you’ve ever addressed. Yes that’s right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It’s out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.

7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nail polish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you’re pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby’s sex. Don’t be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.

8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There’s nothing that a nice cup of tea won’t help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.

9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don’t wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.

10. Make lists. List all the people you will tell when you get pregnant, and in what order. List all the little jobs you need to get done instead of obsessing about this 2WW! List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.

11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow – but close the curtains.

12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup as an entree, followed by spinach lasagne, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don’t set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.

13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any “symptoms,” such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue… you will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.

14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.

(Source: BellyBelly)

9dpiui : have a little faith!

today is basically the 9 days post iui.
today i woke up feeling a bit less with hope, feel like im getting my AF. however lastnight i dreamed of seeing the miracle double line.
since yesterday's test showed BFN, why should i be surprise?? it just 9dpiui..
im still hoping for miracle on 11dpiui....

sometimes i feel like its unfair, those who didn't want baby, would have one. and worse, throw it away.
and us, try and try and try our best...